John Carter – Movie Review

By: Too many to list—check out the review, or better yet, IMDB it.

The Story: Some of these aliens are green, but they aren’t all little, nor definitely all men.

The Review: It’s only fair to warn you that prior to watching this movie, I had zero knowledge of the Barsoom series or mythos other than a vague recollection that Dejah Thoris is a comics series that DS reviews on this site.  In fact, that very fact was the tipping point which actually got me to the theater to watch the film.  I figured it’d be a decent way to spend two hours of free time and get a little work out of it, too.

In the end, that’s all John Carter really is: a decent way to spend two hours of free time.  Disney obviously spared no expense in making the movie, as the cinematography and special effects make it already one of the most lavish and spectacular visual feasts of the year.  The location scouts should be well compensated, as their choice of locales truly evokes the dusty, Martian landscape of our dreams.  Beyond that, the very design of the Barsoom races and their cultures meets a Star Wars standard of detail, implying much that the script does not point out explicitly.

On that note, it should be little surprise that if there’s one area Disney shortchanged, it was in the writing.  This is particularly distressing, as Michael Chabon (if this is indeed the same who wrote the wonderful Adventures of Kavalier & Clay) is one of the credited writers.  But the script lacks not so much in quality or credibility as it does in cohesiveness.

The opening is the first and most obvious example: disjointed, jarring, uncertain of how to proceed, it feels as if the three writers each had different ideas of the beginning and instead of choosing one, they went for all three.  You start with Dejah’s “epic” voiceover setting up the exposition to the main plot; Carter’s epistolary voiceover to his nephew narrating the film’s main events after the fact; and then the actual start of the action itself.  Each of these would have worked well on their own, but combined, they make for an overly long prologue, dragging down the pace from the very start.